Went to the beach and then on a hike with a friend. Felt good to get out. Got myself a bit of a burn, I think. Just feeling sad again though. I really miss Her. And she seems fine. We had a brief chat about her recent presentation of her senior project. It seems as though I had no effect on her at all.

So now I’m sad. Missing her again. Not as painful as before, but it’s not gone yet either, and that’s really frustrating.
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It’s also good for a bit of entertainment, or so I hope. This is the initial teaser. I’ll have more to say about it later, and I’m open to feedback. I’ll have the audio teaser posted as soon as I can.

I know it’s already taken, but I’m calling dibs on the genre label, “Quantum Fiction” to describe a work of fiction which tells multiple alternate storylines which branch from the same start point.

I know this was once called a “Choose Your Own Adventure” book, but I’m pretty sure somebody trademarked that name.

And I damned well call dibs on an iPod-specific hyperlinked audiobook format. It’s mine, I tell you, mine.

Mwah-ha-ha-something . . .

Hard to believe it took me so long to turn to my favorite song of the past few years for comfort. It did the trick though. 3,000 miles reminds me why I got into this life thing in the first place, and it wasn’t to keep looking behind me praying for do-overs. It also inspired me to look at the patterns of my life and try to embrace them, rather than defending against them. I’ve never been able to build much in the way of defense in my life. Financial, emotional or otherwise, something always sneaks in and blows it to flinders eventually. So why bother. The same life that keeps me exposed and vulnerable to it seems to keep me in a position to stand up whenever I’m knocked down. I’ve always been torn between my awareness of the pitfalls of life, and my desire to ignore them, get out and experience it. I’ve always tried to take the safer path, guarding my resources before making any big moves, trying to build a bulwark against disaster. The funny thing is, if you can defend against it, it doesn’t really qualify as a disaster. Under those criteria, I’ve had my share of minor disasters. I’ve been scarred, impoverished, and now broken hearted. I’m not going to be stupid enough to think things can’t get worse, but I’m going to do my best to stop making them worse on my own.

I hope I can remember her face until my dying breath, because whether or not I can understand or explain it, I know that, briefly, she was the source of the purest joy I’ve ever known. I understand all the reasons why it probably wouldn’t have worked anyway, and one of those reasons was apparent in the fact that I was the only one willing to take that kind of risk. When you don’t have much, risking it all isn’t hard.

And I know I have a great deal, it’s just that so little of it is the material stuff that can be risked. I’ve long known I was fabulously wealthy in the friendship, respect, and love of those around me, and I’ve wished for just as long that my analytical brain could shut up and appreciate that without constantly wishing for more tangible wealth. I’m okay living for today, and I’m alright with living for tomorrow, but it was hard for me to pull my feet out of the concrete of yesterday, and I’m damned if I go back there. I’ve got to keep picking my feet up and setting them down. I’ve gone well beyond 3,000 miles, but I’ve got many hundreds of thousands more to go. And it’ll be a much shorter trip if Keep my eyes on what I have and what I will have, rather than on what I’ve lost, because in truth, in the end, you know you’ll lose the treasure you carry on the outside. I only hope that I get to keep what I’ve treasured on the inside, or at least, whatever’s still there when I cross the finish line.

Funny to be thinking of it like that again. When my apartment was burglarized a few years ago and I lost almost everything I owned, it felt like a tragedy. It stuck with me for years. It’s only now, in the face of losing something far more valuable and precious that I look back and all the stuff that was taken doesn’t even make a blip. Taking a bit of an inventory, it seems like almost nothing that ever happened to me before this breakup makes any kind of comparison. The deaths of relatives and the losses of friends, and even the deaths of pets still matter, but insults, injuries and losses don’t even count. I guess the only way to erase old pain is to find fresher, bigger pain to block the view.

Okay. That’s enough of that. I’m going to cast my eyes forward, and I’m going to pierce the darkness that obscures my future, and I am going to keep moving forward. I’m going to acknowledge that nothing like this may ever come my way again, and I’m going to do my best to be okay with that. But if I’m looking the wrong way when it comes, I may get steamrolled the same way again, and who wants to look that stupid twice? I have to regain my belief in the value of life, and I have to remember how to reach for the best of it.

And thank you to my friends who are helping me to do just that.
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Jet Li is becoming an excellent actor. This movie provided an obvious showcase for his physical abilities, providing locations and atmosphere well suited to the exhibition of genuine athletic talents, without resorting to cable work or movie tricks.

The real surprise of this movie was the story. It is an excellent story of coming of age, executed in a genuinely heart touching way. The only real difficulty for me was believing Morgan Freeman’s character Sam could both bring a complete stranger into his home, and berate his step daughter for coming home late from school. That rang a little strange for me. Otherwise, this was an excellently crafted film, and I recommend it to anyone who is not squeamish about violence.

This is a very good movie. It’s sweet, and well acted. The scenario doesn’t even seem terribly far fetched once you have seen the whole film. Go see it. Everybody go see it.

Breakfast: Apple
Banana

Lunch: Sandwich at Ben’s.

Dinner: I can’t remember

Exercise: 25 pushups

Went to a party today. Last time I was with this group of friends, everyone was telling Her and I what a good couple we made. Most of the night she was all I could think about. Hurts a lot again, but it’s still a hurt I understand.
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Breakfast: Apple
Banana

Lunch: Sandwich at Ben’s.

Dinner: sourdough burger
onion rings
diet coke

Exercise: 25 pushups

Of course, the flip side to what I talked about yesterday is that I’ve had a pretty blessed life for the last several years, never having a shortage of people I love who love me back. Or like me. Or tolerate me. Or whatever. So today, even though my very first customer had the same name as Her, I haven’t allowed myself to feel gut-punched. I’m an extremely fortunate person in most of the important ways. I can bide my time while other areas catch up, and I can focus myself to better use the blessings I’ve got. Got some more good stuff written today. I think I’ll be able to post a teaser of my current project soon. Perhaps by the end of the week. If you’re out there, stay tuned.
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I think I figured something out. Part of what I think I’ve been feeling the past few weeks is simply being really on my own. It’s been years since I had to fend for myself on a daily basis. I lived at home for most of the time between graduating from college and when I moved to Morro Bay. I had my family around me. I had people to care for, and to be resposible to on a daily basis.

Since moving, I’ve gone rapidly through relationships in which I spent a great deal of time with someone I could care for, and to some degree, take care of, on a daily basis. Since then, the only thing that seems to make me feel normal is being out and about with friends.

I think at some point, I went from being the angry loner fat kid, to being addicted to companionship. Hmm. I think it’s time to search for a happy medium. I’m going to continue to spend time with friends, but I think I also need to really get back to enjoying my own company and my own interests. Instead of spending so much of my time online hanging out with friends virtually, I’m going to try to put my energy to creative use.

I’ll still be around though, so say hi any time.