A while back a friend challenged me to a cow joke contest. I actually managed to come up with two that I like. The first one’s fairly tame, and kinda obvious, but I’ve never heard anybody else tell it. The second one I think is funny as hell, and it’s also really offensive, so you’re warned. Here goes:
Q: What do cows smoke to get high?
Read more for the answer, and the yuck-yucky one.
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Today was my third attempt at getting my fix-it ticket signed off. Finally got lucky. My car is good to go after fifteen hundred and some dollars spent. Passed smog with flying colors after a head job. Tags are in the mail, or so I’m told.
Anyway, it’s nice to have my car back. Nice to have enough power that I no longer embarrass myself merging onto the freeway too.
Listen up! All you socially retarded pricks in the fifteen-foot-tall SUV’s need to cash a reality check. If you can’t park it, don’t buy it! I can’t stress this enough. When I see these things parked at a thirty degree angle from the parking lines I laugh right along with the people in tiny little cars who fling their doors open with michevious glee. It is well past the time time you people should have been forced to demonstrate your fitness to drive those killing machines. You should have to navigate an obstacle course at speed, and demonstrate an ability to park in a standard stall before you should be permitted to drive one. And I do mean permitted. There needs to be a formal permitting process for any vehicle weighing more than 4,000 lbs. And if you aren’t fully capable of safely driving that vehicle, you shouldn’t be allowed to buy it. So grow up and quit trying to take your fucking living-room with you on the highway.
For anybody who doesn’t know the deal, those links over on the right send you to Amazon.com, where you can by many fine products. Anything I link to directly is something I use and wholeheartedly recommend. The good news for me is that when you click through from here I get a small percentage of your hard-spent money. As I understand it, I even get a little piece of what you buy if you click through here and then buy something else. So feel free to click through any time. Sorry to be so blatant, but being broke sucks ass.
I got my retail site up and running, but at the moment, all my sites that link from here, keep www.someguynamedjoe in the address bar. No es bueno. I’ll fix it later, I guess. For now, you can buy some fuckin’ stuff at www.buysomefuckinstuff.com, or you can hire me to fix your computer, or whatever geek-work you need done at www.bigger-hammer.net. Also check out my best of the web sections. These are sites I read on a daily basis, and you should too.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Yup. Best show ever. After season six, I was seriously into this show. It should be noted that I don’t get UPN or The WB because I am a Direct TV subscriber. So season six was the first one I got to see almost on time. I relied on my brother’s girlfriend to tape Buffy for me. It was a pretty damned good season, and I was inspired, nay, compelled, to write my first television script in a marathon session that lasted from late afternoon on into the next day. I’m a substitute teacher, and when the phone rang at five thirty to tell me I had a job, I couldn’t believe how much time had passed. My one script, eventually ran into three, and they were all finished in roughly a week, as I recall. They’re not perfect, but I’m going to present them pretty much as they are. In order, it’s New Blood, Old Vessels, and A New Boy.
In my never-humble opinion, the story lines were worthy of production, though some of the dialogue, and details need work. In the process of contacting the production office several times, and listening to rumours, it became pretty apparent that season seven was to be the last, so I plotted out how I would end the series. As the actual season unfolded, I was amazed to see how close I’d come, and how much better, I thought my ideas would have served the show.
In general, I thought the cult of bad guys I created in the scripts above turned out pretty similar to the bringers. The basic plot line I came up with for the end of the series begain with Faith returning to Sunnydale, seeking Buffy’s help. She was being pursued by a third slayer. (Remember, Buffy died twice.) The mystery slayer would track down Faith, and it would become apparent that this third slayer spoke only some obscure language. Miracle of miracles, Giles has some fluency in this language and is able to talk to her.
Turns out, Quentin himself called this third slayer and undertook her training in secret, so as to avoid the corruption that he felt had befallen Buffy and Faith.
Here’s where things get interesting, though I never bothered to work out the specifics. Quentin is an ancient evil, who has propagated the one-slayer-at-a-time myth to further his own ends. He feeds on the conflict between demons and humans, he had to keep the slayer line in check, lest they bring the conflict to a swift and decisive end. Having created the Watcher’s Council many many many years ago, and has magically transformed himself through the ages so as not to raise suspicion. In the end, many slayers could be called upon to defeat him when he shows his true form.
Lots of points of similarity here, but I swear I came up with this story line weeds before even the firste episode of season seven aired. Anyway, I think that this plotline would have felt more connected to the show and led to less disappointment.
Feels good to get all that off my chest. That should be the end of my fanboy ranting. Should anybody in need of a fiction writer happen to read and enjoy my scripts, feel free to drop me a line.
So it’s pretty official, I guess. I’m a blogger. Woohoo. Figured I’d start out with something for you to think about, whoever you may be.
I’m proposing an ammendment to the Constitution of the United States of America. The legislative branch of the U.S. government needs a third house. We need the Senate, the House of Representatives and the House of Commerce. Having an entire house to represent the interests of large economic entities would give them their deserved representation while simultaneously allowing them to be ethically banned from contributing to political campaigns at large. The government has to represent economic and corporate interests, but not at the cost of ignoring the needs of individuals.
When voting, one would be able to vote for the representative to best serve their personal interests. On a separate area of the ballot, one would pick the representative best suited to serve the interests of the company for which they work, the company over which they exercise control, or simply their own financial interest.
Corporate entities and anyone past a certain threshold of wealth and corporate involvement would be free to contribute to the campaigns of Commercial Representatives, but prohibited from financial involvement with the elections for the senate or the House of Representatives.
Functionally, this would allow economic and environmental legislation to be more honestly debated, with the House of Commerce able to publicly and honestly fight for the bottom line while the House of Representatives, (Free from monetary obligation to industry) could fight wholeheartedly for the safety of their present and future constituency.
